Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
