He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
