if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
