if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
