Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
