So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
