you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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