god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
