Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
