am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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