my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
