You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
