DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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