Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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