My sheets look like a crime scene.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
only you would photoshop your dick
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
