apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
