happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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