sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
