Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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