Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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