Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
