They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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