worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
