Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
