ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
