yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
