when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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