I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
