Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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