I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
