soooo we both peed the bed last night...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
