drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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