babies were throwing up all over the place
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Also, beer. Big fan.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
