I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I want to be your penis for a week.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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