yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
