Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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