i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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