I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
