It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
