Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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