Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
