it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
