Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
