It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
