If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
