You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
