EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
