So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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