What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
