My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
