My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize