i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
