i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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