Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
