I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
