Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
