She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
