listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
